Choosing Irreversibility
by superstr480
Summary: Things will never be the same again... and for all the wrong reasons. S/V A break from the finale.
1. I

Title: Choosing Irreversibility  
  
Author: Annie  
  
Genre: Romance and Drama, I guess.  
  
Summary: Things will never be the same again... and for all the wrong reasons.  
  
Timeline: Completely AU from the minute Danny is shot.  
  
Distribution: Anywhere you want, and it'll be up on Cover Me as soon as I get aroudn to it.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing from Alias, and any references to products or anything else, I wown nothing of that either. In fact, pretty much the only I own is nothing.  
  
Author's Note: An idea that popped into my head, I decided to follow up on it. It can be a stand alone, or I can make into a series, please tell me what you think. I went for second person POV again, because I was quite happy with how the epilogue for Shaant went and I decided to try that formula again. Having said that, this story is really different from Shaant, so if you think its good enough to continue, please do tell me. Also, I have an idea for a post-Telling fic, but I'm wondering if anyone will actually want to read yet another one. Plus, there are so many good ones.... I dunno. Just tell me. I'll go solely on your feedback. Thanks, and please review!  
  
********************  
  
You had walked in to find him in the bathtub, surrounded by blood. He'd been foolish enough to leave a message on your answering machine-- despite how much you warned him. It didn't matter that the message was so sweet or that he had forgiven you for your lies, because it had nearly got him killed. Instead, he lies here, after 14 hours of surgery, finally out of the woods, in a CIA hospital.  
  
And the only reason he is here, safe and alive, is because of a man you never thought you'd have help you. Your father. He'd shown up at your apartment, holding tickets. About seven hours into Danny's surgery, you had realized that the tickets were for you and Danny, under aliases to travel to Singapore. But he'd been nearly too late, and walked in to find you, his shell shocked daughter, rocking back and forth, Danny's blood spilling on to your clothes. If not for him, you would have never moved from that position, and Danny would never been protected in this hospital.  
  
The minute he realized that Sloane's men hadn't finished their job, your father urged you to take him to a hospital but you refused since the only hospitals you knew were run by SD-6. It was then that he brought out that ball point pen, and activated almost twenty times in a row so he could tell you the complicated truth. That you didn't work for the CIA, but that if he had anything to with it, you would by the end of the day. Danny would be safe, under the CIA's witness protection program, and you would join Jack Bristow as a second double agent inside of SD-6. For the second time that night, a relationship with one of the main men in your life was irreversibly changed-- for the better.  
  
You never understood who your father was, and you never really cared to. Once you realized that no matter how many attempts you made to make him proud, he wouldn't be the warm man he had been before your mother's death. You made yourself think that he didn't deserve to have you care about him, you had given up. But the efforts he has put in the last twenty-four hours, the care he has shown for both your and Danny's lives makes you wonder if you were simply a resentful child who saw a snowman instead of a man trapped by ice.  
  
Your father has been your brain this night. Usually, you pride yourself on your smarts, or your ability to take care of yourself. But this night is different. After finding out the truth about Sloane and SD-6, you were so shell shocked, that your father had to get Danny to the hospital on his own. He arranged for the witness protection program, and convinced you of the importance of seeing Sloane. You didn't ever want to see that man again, let alone tonight, but your father made you realize that if Danny had died-- which you needed Sloane to believe-- and if you were still oblivious to the truth about SD-6, then you would have confronted him.  
  
You have just returned to the hospital after your confrontation. You don't think you've ever felt more drained, more weary than you do at the moment. You're all alone in the waiting room since your father went to CIA headquarters to arrange for your new status. He told you that you wouldn't alone for long. Your case officer, your "handler" who would give your contermissions for SD-6, would arrive soon, probably followed by the director himself.   
  
It is that idea of taking SD-6 down, of taking Arvin Sloane down without him even knowing until it is too late, that fuels your every move now. But slowly, you feel that fuel isn't enough, that energy, will and want would help.  
  
***********************  
  
You know something is wrong the minute you lay eyes on him. Actually, wrong is not the word. Something is different, but different in a way it shouldn't be. It's not neccesarily bad, the change or feeling or whatever you get when you see him, but you know you haven't ever felt it before and you get the nagging feeling that you're definitely not supposed to feel it now.  
  
Not when your ex-fiance, whom you still love and nearly got killed, is lying in a hospital, about to have his life destroyed and rebuilt the minute he wakes.  
  
You wonder why Danny suddenly pops into your head, but you don't let yourself think of it. Instead you look at this man, and even in the split second before you make eye contact, you know he's there for you. He is beautiful, all golden and brown, like a sullen angel, out of place in such a sombre area and mood. Everything about him seems muted-- his skin, instead of shining, looks clammy, and his gray suit doesn't do anything to brighten him. The only thing that shows you what he truly looks like-- out of situations like this-- is the shining green you see when he looks at you. You briefly muse that you didn't even know a green like that existed, but your thoughts vanish and he begins to walk over to you.  
  
Of all the changes in Danny's, your and even your father's lives, somehow, this moment with the golden man approaching you, feels the most profound.  
  
Things are changing, you realize. And not the way they are supposed to.   
  
He sits down, and seems nervous. You are leaning forward, looking back at him, and he brings himself to your eye level by resting his elbows on his knees. He turns his head to look at you.  
  
"Your father--" he begins, but the green shines and he quiets. He seems to be searching for the right ones.  
  
You think that any word he says will be correct. You're scared that you just thought that.  
  
"I'll be your CIA--" he begins again. He stops short, and looks at you, before turning away. You hope he realizes that he can take his time figuring out what to say. You can't imagine what you would say if circumstances were reversed.  
  
You briefly wonder that if circumstances were really reversed, if he would feel like this too. You catch yourself, and wonder exactly what he would "feel" and what you are "feeling". Danny, you remind yourself. Silently you wonder if a life alone is really the way to repay him.  
  
"I'm Mic--" he stops again, sighs and runs a hand through the dirty blond, brown hair on his head. He's breathing deeply enough for you to hear, and you wonder why you're noticing his breathing patterns. Finally he stares you straight in the eye. "If there's anything you need. I'm here."   
  
Before you know it, your face contorts uncontrollably, and for the first time since you left your apartment, since you found out the truth, since you confronted Sloane, since you got your new life, you start to cry. You cry looking at him first. He looks startled but quickly recovers. You bury your face in your hands, and before you realize it, you're speaking.  
  
"I don't know what I need," you sob. Suddenly you feel a hand on your back, touch light and intimate. You gaze up at green, and wonder what he will say. He sticks his other hand out.  
  
"I'm Michael Vaughn," he says. You shake it, as your tears subside. That's what you need, you think. A Michael Vaughn. A golden angel.  
  
You forget to catch yourself on that thought. You realize that he has successfully gotten you to stop crying by diverting your attention, and you manage to smile.  
  
"Sydney Bristow," you say, and he nods, if only to humor you. "If I hadn't been so stupid, it could have been Sydney Hecht." But as soon as you say that, you realize aside from a natural want to have a family and be loved, you have no reason to want to be with a man who had no idea who you were.   
  
Green eyed, golden man-- Michael Vaughn-- looks at you straight in the eye. You decide you like the way he does that.  
  
"If you hadn't been so stupid, I wouldn't be introducing myself as your case officer," he says. He is saying relatively obvious words, but they carry meaning. You know the truth now, and the golden man-- Vaughn, since his full name seems to be too hard-- has shown you that wherever you were a day ago, couldn't be worse than this. Because a day ago you were lies, and now despite it all, you are truth. You nod. He waits for you to say something but when you don't he continues. "There'll never be a Sydney Hecht."   
  
He's trying to see whether you understand the full consequences of Danny going into WPP, and the way he says it makes you feel forty times better than if he had come right out and asked you.  
  
"There should have never been a Sydney Hecht. Sydney Hecht would have been a liar, and the truth has led us here-- Sydney Hecht never will exist, never has existed and never should exist," you say. It's the most you've said at one shot since you found Danny in the tub to anyone, even Sloane.  
  
"But there is a Sydney Bristow. And the time for her truth has come," he says. You look at him and nod. He will be, along with your father, your sole companion, and somehow, you know already that even though he will live in a life worlds away from yours, and barely ever see you, he will understand.  
  
You catch yourself, wondering why your thoughts are not on Danny, but instead on the connection you feel to this man. Why you aren't fretting about losing your fiance, but instead are noticing how this man-- this Vaughn-- seems to shine next to you. You speak meekly, deciding to divulge half truths.  
  
"Sydney Bristow is scared of why she isn't scared of those truths. Why she isn't scared that Sydney Hecht will never exist," you reply. Talking in third person feels vaguely odd, but it helps you control your emotions, detach yourself from your misery.  
  
"Because you realize that the truth will only set you free. And that Sydney Hecht would have been just another cage," he replies, speaking directly to you. Just when you begin to seperate yourself from those emotions, he bring them back. He looks at you, and that strong gaze is the only source of energy you have. You nod.  
  
You had been right when you thought all you needed was a Michael Vaughn. But this time you catch yourself on the thought. A little while ago, didn't you need a Danny Hecht?  
  
But as soon as you ask that, you know its not true. You never needed Danny, or at least he never filled a need of yours. He was there, understanding the simple part of your life, the untruthful part of your life. You never depended on him for anything other than fun, other than ease, other than companionship, and you realize perhaps love is out of the question, because love includes need. You never needed Danny to do anything for you.  
  
Not like the way you need Vaughn to comfort you, to calm you. You catch youself again (for the umpteenth time) and then wonder how many times you'll catch yourself, before these thoughts go unnoticed.   
  
Things are changing, and though you feel better, you don't think they are changing the way they are supposed to.   
  
When he speaks again, it is in a quiet, almost respectful tone. His voice is flowing, calming, melodic but subtle. He once again looks you straight in the eye. "Sometimes we're just not meant to see the good in things until after they've passed." Your throat goes dry for a moment because he's stolen the words you've longed to say and believe for the past day. And by saying them, he has let you believe them. You nod, barely keeping your jaw from hanging.   
  
Secretly you realize that as much as you will miss him, Danny is better in the WPP. He will no longer have a lying fiancee with poor excuses, and his life will not be in constant danger. You will not constantly have to worry about never telling him the truth, or wonder whether one day you'll have to lie about why you can't have a child.  
  
It depresses you that this man you've loved for so long, who has been a constant for so long, will no longer exist. It hurts that you are the reason that Danny has to go into witness protection in the first place, but you have the truth, and you can't bring youself to want to exchange it for anything else.   
  
Most of all you feel guilty, that what this man next to you has said is not true. Maybe Danny is still struggling to see the good in what has happened, but the minute Vaughn said those words, you found the good in this. And it makes you feel guilty that you find an upside to the horrific events of the past twenty four hours.  
  
You wonder how broken and lost you look in that moment, because this stranger once again makes physical contact with you, by reaching over and taking your hand. His hand is cool and warm at once, and you feel so much better. A chiding voice in your head says that simple touch cannot make a person feel better, and that if it did, it should have been Danny's touch.  
  
But here is a man, who knows your life in its decietful, sinful, horrible entirety and is still comforting you. Here is a man who has said nothing but the right words-- or at least done nothing but turn mere words into exactly what you need to hear, and who somehow, without explanation, understands that its okay to hold your hand.   
  
Your father and the CIA have sent you an angel, you think. You know Danny lies in the next room, but for some reason, it doesn't matter anymore. You still care for him, yes, but you know he can never be a part of your life again and so you've resigned yourself to moving on. He never was really a part of your real life in the first place.  
  
Or at least, that's what you tell yourself. You pray that it has nothing to do with the man offering wordless comfort through his mere presence.  
  
He gives you a small, reassuring smile and you are suprised because inside you are comforted by it. You weren't comforted by Danny's forgiveness, you weren't comforted by the glint of fear in Sloane's eye, you weren't comforted by the utter confidence your father spoke with when talking about bringing down SD-6, but the golden man has comforted you without a word.  
  
Yet again you realize it. Things are changing.   
  
You know they are supposed to-- Danny is no longer your fiance, you no longer work solely and blindly for SD-6, you are no longer estranged from your father. Danny will no longer exist, and you will have to hide all the guilt on top of forgetting the husband you nearly had.  
  
But you're scared. Because the longer you hold on to this man's beautiful, golden hand, the more you begin to to believe, the more you begin to forget. You worry, because you're losing your fiance but you have no desire to pull your hand out of another man's. You worry, because Danny is leaving you forever, and you're feeling an innate connection with someone you just met. You worry, because of all the words that have been said, a simple smile has you believing that you will be okay. You worry, because you know your hopes are being raised, and you are so afraid of having them dashed to the ground, but at the same time you can't doubt this man's faith. You worry, because so far, all you know is that he is your CIA liason, your "handler", and his name.  
  
You worry, because things are changing. And not the way you thought they would. But perhaps exactly the way they should.  
  
You worry, because as you gaze at this man, and as he gazes back, as you think of how beautiful he is, you pray to any power that can grant wishes, that this is the way things are supposed to change. 


	2. II

Title: Choosing Irreversibility  
  
Author: Annie  
  
Genre: Romance and Drama, I guess.  
  
Summary: Things will never be the same again... and for all the wrong reasons.  
  
Timeline: Completely AU from the minute Danny is shot.  
  
Distribution: Anywhere you want, and it'll be up on Cover Me as soon as I get aroudn to it.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing from Alias, and any references to products or anything else, I wown nothing of that either. In fact, pretty much the only I own is nothing.  
  
Author's Note: part two is up!!!! I hope it's as good. I'm taking some of my fave S/V moments into this story, and I think I might keep on doing that. Well read, please review, and I hope everyone is having a great summer!  
  
********************  
  
"And we'll dead drop in the airport after the CIA makes a copy of the disk. We'll delete all the other stuff on the SD-6 copy and just leave them with bare minimum information so they don't suspect anything," he says. You like the way he talks, face open and attentive, mouth pronouncing words clearly, lips in limbo and eyes shining.   
  
His eyes shine a lot, you've noticed and you think that of his physical attributes, they might be your favorite. Of course, you haven't seen much of anything but his face.  
  
And, a little voice in your head says, you won't. Perhaps when you first met him, it was about being true to Danny and not losing yourself in this man-- now it's being true to this man by not losing him. Once false move, one clandestine meeting discovered, one mention of this stranger who has become so important to you in such a short time, and it'll be Danny all over again.  
  
Except this time you worry more.  
  
Because you were--are lucky that Danny survived.   
  
Because Vaughn might not be so lucky.  
  
Because like that day in the hospital three months ago (when you started worrying), you know something is different about Vaughn, something is different about the way you interact with him, something is different about the way you think of him.  
  
You remember that things weren't always so congenial between you and him. There was a period of time, after that first connection in the hospital where you wanted to do nothing more than say enough things to make him rip his mussy, brown hair out, because he made you want to do nothing but rip your own. You think you succeeded a couple times-- there were fights, arguments where voices would go up and you could see that this man did have the angry side to him.   
  
You noticed the arguements tended to occur in the bloodmobile-- in retrospect, you wonder if someone heard the shouting from outside. What would they think? Probably some nurse having a secret rendezvous with her lover in the bloodmobile.   
  
You look at him just as you think that, and blush furiously. You hope he doesn't notice, but you know that's near impossible. He's watchful, aware-- you think that is probably what makes him a good agent and maybe a good boyfriend-- and has the keen ability to pick up on underlying emotions.  
  
Sure enough, he's stopped. "Everything okay, Syd?" he asks. You love the way he calls you by a nickname. You want to call him "Mike" one day, but you don't because calling him Mike would require you to call him Michael, which would require you to stop calling him Vaughn. And you're afraid to stop calling him Vaughn.  
  
"Yeah. Just tired," you reply. You've noticed the way you behave around him. Aloof sometimes, caring but just enough, not nearly as much as him and certainly not as much as he deserves. You know why that is-- you're afraid of him getting too close. You're afraid of having another man sentenced to witness protection. You're afraid that when Vaughn turns into Michael, Michael will leave like Danny did.  
  
And you get this feeling, deep down inside, that screams everytime you're with Vaughn, that if either Vaughn or Michael ever left, you'd be alone. And you'd remain that way.  
  
"Well this is all just routine for you," he says, giving a lopsided grin. Your thoughts turn to Arvin Sloane randomly, and you suspect your expression becomes stormy because Vaughn's brow furrows. "What?" There's a hint of wariness in his voice, as if he's worried that you'll try and give him the plan, like you did that one day. You'll never forget the look on his face as he rolled out the map of SD-6. It could have been a hundred times more smug, as could have his words, but he and you both knew the truth would silence you.  
  
"Yeah it is," you reply. You wonder why you are so cold to him him sometimes. Like once, after Sloane engineered a meeting with your father. Sloane still thought that Danny was dead and you suspected he was trying to get you to direct your anger towards your father rahter than himself. By telling you that your father knew about Danny, you would feel more hostile towards him. In reality, you were quite touched by the fact that your father tried to save you.   
  
But you still haven't been as close to him as you felt in that hospital. Since the day he rescued you, he's been an enigma. He buys you tickets to escape, he protects your fiance-- ex fiance--, he gives you truth.  
  
But he gives it to you seven years too late. You often wonder why your father didn't approach you before it was too late, why he didn't tell you the truth. You don't wonder anymore why he neglected you when you were a child-- being a widowed CIA officer is hard, but you know there were times when he could have made more effort than he did. He confuses you thoroughly, angers you incessantly and saddens you unrelentingly. It doesn't make sense even in the crazy mixed up world that you live in-- where you work as a double agent, when you actually lead three lives: "banker", CIA agent and SD-6 agent. Where you have to smile in the face of a man who make you feel a thirst for killing. Where your fiance is alive, but you don't know him name or where he is, and for the good of both of you it should stay that way.  
  
Where you can't look a man who gives you so much strength, where even if you could, you might be to scared to, where falling for him is both the most impossible and the most plausible thing to happen.  
  
You're back to worrying, because you think it might have started to happen already.  
  
This is why when Vaughn asked you, at the Seven Eleven that night about the meeting with your father, you replied with a curt, "So what's my countermission?"  
  
Vaughn's beeper rings, bringing you out of your silent musings. You think you see an "A".   
  
Alice. A thorn in your side? Not so much as just something you brush off. You're not stupid, you know that Vaughn is a loyal, decent (amazing, perfect you sometimes think) man, but you know that despire all your fears and your reservations towards him, there is something undeniable between the two of you.   
  
If it is understanding, compassion and a united goal, you are happy because it will only serve the purpose of bringing SD-6 and Sloane down better. It could be mutual dedication, him to his country, you to your revenge and the want of freedom, and that too will help because you'll only work harder. But a secret part of you hopes it's something else-- friendship, comradery, maybe even the beginning of something else. Because then, the revenge and freedom will mean something. Then you can share it with someone else.  
  
You think that you're jumping ahead, because as Vaughn says goodbye and excuses himself from the warehouse, you know those days are far ahead of you, if they are to even come.  
  
But you still watch him sneakily as he leaves. His shoulders fill out the suit jacket well, and his lean body just looks even longer and taller in the matching pants and shiny black shoes. The blue oxford shirts he wears so often set off his skin, his perpetual tan of golden, and those in turn contrast with those beautiful eyes.  
  
You used to feel guilty about noticing Vaughn's looks, but now, as you sheepishly admit, it's become something of an everyday occurence. He is very attractive, and you know that he would catch your eye even if you were just walking down the street one day. If you never saw him again but for that one split second, you would think he was good-looking and forget about him.  
  
But, as beautiful as he is, it's knowing him that makes all the difference. You always think of him as golden, in all hues of that magic color. It reminds you of angels, and as you told him the night he got reassigned to you (thank god), he is your guardian angel. His gold, and that bright emerald green of his are the reasons you haven't been swallowed up into a sea of darkness between Sloane's deceits and your own lies. He looks like truth, you think, shining and clean, unfallible. He looks like a good man, like a man that, if this was before Danny, before SD-6, you would wish to meet on the street.  
  
It's his looks that you admire, because they reflect the qualities that make him great. You know he's good looking, and you aren't ashamed to recognize it.  
  
You still deny, however, you recognize anything more than just his looks.  
  
****************************  
  
The aloofness, the detachment that you showed in that Seven Eleven disappears this night. In fact, this night is filled with more intimate feelings than ever before, even when you graced him with his nickname over the comm. unit.   
  
Because this night, as you cry your heart out on this pier after your father stands you up, Vaughn tells you straightforward what you have known all along-- that, amazingly enough, after losing Noah and Danny and your mother, there is still another person you can rely on.  
  
He thinks you're crying about your father. You are, and the tears are very much the product of more than 20 years of neglect. But there are other things, things you are afraid to tell him.  
  
Things about Danny.  
  
It all started when you got home. It had been just after a dangerous confrontation with your favorite gal, Anna Espinosa, when you had found the white, unmarked envelope along with your other mail. It had your name and address, but nothing else. Inside was a white card, with nothing but three sentences on it.  
  
You never leave my thoughts. I need you, I need you, more than anyone darling, you know that I have from the start. Don't break my heart.  
  
You knew who it was from immediately, and fear coursed through you.  
  
Was he stupid? You had to ask yourself whether Danny listened to a word any of the agents ever told him. If he had, and truly understood what he was being told, he would have realized that what he was doing was as good as screaming to Sloane that he was alive.   
  
It hurt you an indescribable amount that Danny wasn't letting go. You felt guilty enough about him having to start over, to have to tell everyone he knew that he was dead. But you had chosen truth so long ago in that hospital, and now more than ever, you stand by your decision. Life is inumerable times more complicated, but you have truth.  
  
You can look at your father and demand respect now. You aren't working for an enemy of the United States now. You know Vaughn now.  
  
And as trivial as those reasons seemed in the face of true love, you know that if your life was a lie, then there was no way anything in it could be as real as it should have been. You loved Danny, for sure, but he never knew your truths, so he never knew you. Danny was going to ruin his new, safe life and in turn, jeapordize the only chance of ever repaying the man who rendered Daniel Hecht no more.   
  
But above all, you feel guilty. Guilty because if you were feeling responsibility for Danny in excess, you aren't missing him as much as you should. When you saw his letter, it didn't make you ache to have him back. You miss his warm smile and gentle words, but you were first gripped the thought that he was going to ruin everything that everyone planned so carefully.  
  
You miss Danny, but selfishly you feel a greater need to live the life you have now.   
  
But you can't tell that to Vaughn. He is part of this new life, so much bigger of a part than anyone suspects in a professional and personal manner, and you know what he will say if you tell him what Danny has done. He will tell your father, who will find Danny. And for now, you don't want to touch Danny's life with a 10-foot-pole. You don't want to ruin it yet again.  
  
As they do so often, your thoughts easily slide from Danny to Vaughn. You often thought that the connection you two made in the hospital was simply a byproduct of circumstance. That once outside of an area where you would take anything as solace, you and Vaughn weren't as closely linked as you were. Usually, after you thought that you'd know it wasn't true. You always have been horrible at denial.  
  
But even though you knew the connection was there, you had no doubt that its existence could mean nothing. In your world, nothing could be counted on. Hell, in a normal world, Danny would be yours now and you would be his and you wouldn't know Vaughn, and probably wouldn't want to know Vaughn.  
  
You don't really like the thought of not wanting to know Vaughn. It doesn't matter that you rely on him, while simultaneously denying it to yourself and pretending he means nothing to you. But you can't imagine him, even without the neccessity factor, being anything but part of a beneficial relationship. He listens, he understands, he gives sympathy but never pity.   
  
You're a mass of concflicting thoughts and feelings. You live in truth now, but instead have more lies. You know your father twenty times better, but yet seem just as far as ever. You can't imagine somebody not wanting to know Vaughn, but you question his role in your life.  
  
Well you did. But after tonight, you know you're going to have trouble doing that. Because you spilled your heart out about your father and your life. You finally admitted to going crazy. You threw your (rather expensive) beeper into the Pacific as Vaughn put it. You sobbed harder than you have in a long time, even after that time in the hospital.  
  
And Vaughn yet again calmed you down.   
  
You have his number. He told you that no matter what, if nothing else, you had that. You don't understand how a phrase like that can make you feel so much. Vaughn has the talent of being able to say just the right thing. Perhaps it is his keen judgement of situations, but he always seem to be appropriate and uplifting. He's not particularly eloquent, or a fine speaker. In fact, his speech tonight was full of pauses where he decided what to say next and even his final all important line was interrupted by a "you know".   
  
But that made it all the more sincere. It wasn't rehearsed and Vaughn meant what he said, and wanted to diffuse the enormity of the statement by adding that "you know".  
  
But it still hit you. Because you knew it a bit before, and you always wanted it to be true. But he's told you now, and it's laid out there between the two of you. You can call him anytime. You have his number. You were overwhelmed by this confession, by this sacrifice almost. Vaughn has just signed himself to you, and he does it selflessly.   
  
You grab his hand in that moment, hoping that wrenching his thumb will convey how appreciative you are of the way he understands what you feel, the way he knows the right words to say and end especially of how he means those words. You know, when you touch him that there's something there. He held your hand in the hospital, but you were too worried about what role he was going to play in your life for you to notice the sensation. But you recognize it, a tingling warmth that seems to dry your tears. He means so much to you, but you don't have the strength, nor the coherency of mind or mouth to express it. You're not brave enough to be as upfront about him as he is about you.  
  
But this is why you can't ever second guess Vaughn anymore. Because he's given you a clear indication of where you lie in his priorities-- pretty much at the top.   
  
Yesterday before an emotional breakdown, before Danny's letter, before Vaughn's confession, you doubted a lot. Today you're more sure. Your father will always be an enigma. Maybe he's best that way. Danny will have to learn to live without you. You're pretty sure it's best that way. Vaughn is always going to be there for you. That's the best of all.  
  
*******  
  
AN: Please let me know what you think!!! 


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